Hitting a Dead End

I hit a dead end in my search for bio dad. Ok, that’s a stretch. Finding my biological father seems next to impossible so I’ll be happy to get a few nuggets of information about the man, who’s a stranger to me.

Last week, I tried to reach a distant cousin. As an adult, she lived with her mother for a while and her mother was very close to my adoptive mom.  I have a hunch there could be a family tie linking my birth parents to my adoptive parents. My cousin might know something, I thought.

I left a couple of messages for people with my cousin’s last name in Green Bay, Wisconsin, her last known place of residence. The phone rang at 11:30 one night. I was in bed. My cousin’s son was on the phone. A little groggy, I explained what I was looking for. Sorry, he said, but my mother passed away a little over a year ago. She was about 65.

Damn! Why didn’t I reach out to my cousin sooner? I should have started this mission a long time ago.

Courtesy of Flickr/Al-HikesAZ

It would be nice to know my father’s name, occupation, ethnic background and medical history. Of  course, that’s not all I want to know.  I would love to find out how he met my mother and what kind of guy he is. Are we alike in any way?  Do we look like we could be father and daughter? Did my father have other children?

I assume my father would have to be at least in his 70s and possibly older. It is quite possible my dad, like my birth mother, is deceased.

Finding out you’re adopted is not the kind of news you want to hear as an adult. I found out in September 2002. To say it’s unsettling is an understatement. I turned the information around in my head several times but that’s as far as it went. I had no burning desire to find my birth parents. That would have meant unraveling my life story to an extent and exposing myself to something that could be ugly. I wasn’t ready to go there.

Years passed. I got used to the idea of being adopted and started to ask questions and poke around into the past. Of course, by waiting so long, I lost opportunities to talk to older relatives who probably knew a great deal about the adoption. My godparents are gone. They were very tight with my adoptive parents, who are also deceased.

I am kicking myself for not starting this search sooner. Do any of you also regret not having looked for biological family earlier? Tell me I’m not alone!


6 thoughts on “Hitting a Dead End

  1. When a generation passes much of that information simply vanishes with them. I’m sure this whole discovery process was like opening Pandora’s Box — hope still exists. If I were in your situation, my natural curiosity would propel me forward. Somewhere more information is out there. In due time, something is bound to surface, I hope so for your sake.

  2. Lynne, you should feel good about the trove of information you have found out. And since Illinois just unsealed birth records last year, I would say you are right on top of things. There’s no assurance your relatives either knew anything or would have been willing to share it with you before you had something to go on. With DNA records expanding exponentially, you will probably know some day.

  3. You’re not alone! I’m finding that in the search for my half sister, I too am running out of time with age. I’ve known about her since I was about 15….I’m 50 now. My story takes so many twist and turns, that I’m getting nauseous! However, I will not let it rest until I’m COMPLETELY out of options. Based on reading your messages, I don’t think you will either. 🙂

    1. Good luck finding your sister, Kim. No, I don’t want to stop looking for answers but these searches take a lot of time, energy and an emotional toll. That’s probably what keeps many of us from moving forward. I try to balance the search for missing information from my past with my present day concerns. It’s too easy to neglect one part of your life to focus on another part.

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